Wrong all the way

I thought I was
the good guy
but keep seeing
the tears and the
sadness in the eyes
of the kids I left behind
the broken hearts of their mothers
their love turn to hate

I thought I was my mothers son
but keep seeing the terror in her face
on her deathbed
while she screaming threw herself into the arms of my brother
away from me
in her morphined nightmares
helplessly begging him to save her from the demons

I thought I was a friend
but keep seeing the backs
of my soulbrothers
while they one after one
turn away and leave
in anger or sad disappointment

I thought I was many things
but it seems like I was terrible wrong
wrong all the way
and last night
when the darkness was thick
but my eyes wide open
I knew that this was the last place
left for me
my back to my loved one
alone with decades of failure
heartache and loss
how I wished I would stop thinking

I remember that morning at the hospital
I lit a candle and told her it was time to leave
She took a deep breath
and then another
at the third she died
and I sat there looking at her
didnt dare to move
I wished her dead
and I wonder
will there be anyone to light a candle
when it's my time to go ...

J.Lehmkuhl